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Yaana Gupta talks about her eating disorder in her new book How To Love Your Body.
My eating disorder
"See, most people think that I must have always been skinny, and that maintaining my figure must be very easy. When they ask me for my secrets and my tips, I know that they feel, somewhere deep inside, that despite anything I tell them they can never actually get into the shape I am in. Don't we all watch those good-looking people on TV and think, look how skinny that girl is! Or check out that guy's abs. Some people are just lucky to have a figure like that, aren't they?
Well I agree that some of us are born lucky. They have a faster metabolism and don't put on weight as easily as others. But I am not one of them. I love food and can gain weight pretty easily. Yet I have a career in the glamour industry, which means that I have to look good every single day. Let me tell you this is hard work. I have to constantly watch myself and I need to exercise regularly. Otherwise I'd be out of a job. I was aware of this from the very beginning of my career as even Renata used to tell us that we needed to start watching what we ate so we didn't gain any weight. To me it was simple maths: more food=less job.
So I started getting conscious about what I ate and how my body looked and inevitably compared myself with models on TV, from the time Dita got me into it by showing me magazines and introducing the fashion world to me. I would admire their bodies, and wish I could be skinnier even though I definitely didn't need to lose any weight then. I didn't know then that there is a big difference between being skinny and being fit. For me these were the top models of the world and, if I wanted to become one of them, I needed to look exactly as they did.
So instead of being a happy sixteen-year-old who lives a fun teenage life, worrying about boys and what to wear to a Friday night party, I started developing a fear of becoming fat. I began to monitor everything I ate (I conned myself into calling it 'being professional'). I would forbid myself from eating anything that looked sinful (even though for others that may be just a normal meal). For example if I ate a plate of pasta, I felt instantly fat. Or even just things like dumplings, which were part of every other traditional Czech meal, I was afraid to eat as I thought I could gain weight.
Soon I started considering almost all normal food fattening unless it was steamed or cooked in water. So while my friends had a normal meal for lunch after school, I ordered a salad with a low-fat dressing on the side and made sure I ate only half of it. Of course I stared at my friends' plates wishing I could eat their food instead, but whenever such a thought crossed my mind, I would just tell myself: 'Hey! You are the one who is a model here, who gets to travel and earn money while all your friends are penniless! So some sacrifice is okay for being the lucky one here, don't you think? So keep quiet and eat your salad!' By the time my friends were done eating I would still be hungry though. I was used to having my stomach half empty and in a way I liked feeling light as it made me feel skinny but the appetite was a problem. Luckily there was a solution to this problem, a way to kill the taste buds: a cigarette. Or even better, a cigarette and coffee.
Smoking at sixteen was not that abnormal really, many teenagers do it. I started having a cigarette with coffee after meals even though I didn't even like the taste in the beginning, but well, you get used to it. I never really thought it was a cool thing to do. No doubt it was stupid. But for me the cigarette was just something that I was allowed to have as it had no calories. It was something I could have when I couldn't have food. I wouldn't smoke that much, maybe two, three a day but it was like my comfort food. And it did the trick. Whenever I felt like eating something I shouldn't, I just had a smoke and the desire would vanish.
I could do without sweets really but I did crave the traditional Czech foods my friends would eat at the pub. One of my favourites was duck with dumplings and cabbage, a typical dish we ate growing up. But when I started modelling, what do you think happened to my beloved duck? It got blacklisted. As did many other foods. Any kind of fattening meat, bread, white rice, potatoes, all cheese, pizza (of course!), dumplings, fruit that was cooked, sugar (not even one teaspoon in tea), cream (oh keep on dreaming!), normal milk (low fat was allowed as long as it was just in coffee, not a full glass of course), oh yeah and pasta (any kind that is).
I don't think I need to mention that any kind of sweet was out of the question. So much so that I began to fear my own birthday because I knew I would want to eat the cake but I couldn't. The only sweet thing I was allowed was fruit (as long as it was fresh, because preserved fruit has sugar in it) and also a bit of dried fruits and honey at times. Fruit juices were also forbidden as they are too concentrated in sugars and calories.
So what did I actually eat you may ask, right? Well, I ate a lot, don't worry! A lot of vegetables, that is. Big salads with low-fat dressing, some tuna in it here and there (tuna in a can preserved in water and not oil, mind you) and egg whites, the yellow carefully taken out, or steamed vegetables and vegetable soups. I would also have brown rice or a piece of low-fat rice cracker with it or something like that. Anything that said low calorie and fat free on the cover was good so I'd often spend hours in the shop studying all the food labels. One thing is for sure, I would never ever have bread under any circumstances. Bread was the biggest evil of all (and I am obsessed with bread by the way).
The amazing thing is that while most people would totally freak out if they were given such a diet, I actually learned to enjoy eating veggies. And luckily my most favourite food since childhood is the apple. Not even the duck beats it. But of course I hated not being able to eat like normal people. I thought it was unfair and too big a sacrifice. But then again, I told myself that it was I who chose this, and I better accept it and stop complaining.
My friends and boyfriends all rather admired the way I ate--it looked healthy from the outside because it's not that I would not eat at all in front of them. I would just eat veggies and not the yummy-looking, sinful foods they would eat. They admired me for having such a strong will and saying no to temptation, yet, at the same time, none of them wanted to be in my place. And even though I looked skinny, I never looked bulimic skinny, so no one really considered me unhealthy. And at home, they just respected that I did this job and therefore had to eat the way I did, so no one would force me into eating anything particular.
I tried keeping my mind busy just so I didn't think of food. But at night I couldn't escape my longings. In my dreams I would be eating chocolate cakes, pizza with double cheese or my darling duck. Inevitably fear would overwhelm me, a fear that I was growing fat. I can't tell you what a relief it was to wake up.
A few months into modelling, the extreme of non-eating brought on the other extreme as well--overeating. After school, I would head home skipping the school canteen lunch (I thought it was too fattening), planning to cook some veggies with brown rice at home instead. But on the way, passing by a big supermarket, I would go inside and buy myself an apple or a pear. Sometimes a friend would come with me and pick up some junk food such as my favourite Prince biscuits. Of course they would share it with me and I couldn't say no. Now it wouldn't be a big deal if I just had one or two or even three biscuits. But once I started, I couldn't stop, because it felt like a unique opportunity that wouldn't happen again. Just like if you were to give a drink to an alcoholic who's been trying real hard to abstain. I just had to finish the entire packet! I would of course feel unhappy once I had finished the whole pack. Actually no, I began feeling unhappy as I ate it, the guilt and fear growing inside me with every biscuit I ate. It was more of a need and it didn't feel positive. Looking back I think I was just angry. Angry that I couldn't be like others and eat normally, angry that if I did eat I wasn't disciplined enough.
'It's okay,' I told myself upon finishing it. 'Tomorrow I'll start my diet again and eat only fruits the whole day, no other food! It will be like a fast and I'm sure that will help me lose what I have gained. But now since I have already sinned--which meant in my head that the day was already 'spoiled'--let me have something more to enjoy myself.' And then I'd go back to the supermarket and buy a few more things like a candy bar (or two different ones as I couldn't decide which one I wanted more and didn't want to end up feeling disappointed choosing the wrong one as this was a 'unique opportunity'), some pastry or a sandwich, simply anything with bread, and maybe even a piece of pizza. I'd start eating it right away, not even waiting to get home and I'd finish it all at breakneck speed. I'd feel really stuffed afterwards and the feeling of guilt would get worse by the minute. I'd promise myself I would never do this again, and I'd go on a proper diet from tomorrow.
The next day, I'd feel bloated and puffed up, especially on my face and around the belly. To me this was the fat I had gained, but in fact (as I learned later) it was water retention as the body tries to deal with the acidity from eating all that sugar and junk by retaining water to dilute it. And as I promised myself but probably also to punish myself--I did eat only fruits and vegetable salads the next day so I'd lose the extra half kilo. I didn't love myself for sure. And this was just the beginning of this cycle--extreme discipline (and as I was to discover later, unhealthily so), then bingeing. How long can you go on eating vegetables and fruits, tell me? How long can you keep saying no whenever someone offers you a piece of something sweet?
I had no idea then that I had an eating disorder. I didn't even know what an eating disorder was or that it was considered an actual problem. In the beginning, the 'symptoms' were not as extreme either. I'd binge only now and then (perhaps once in two weeks) and otherwise I'd stick to my extreme diet. I was naturally skinny at the time anyway so the fear of gaining weight wasn't as big initially, which meant the pressure wasn't as much. I was also very excited to be a model so the happiness kind of kept me above the water, as it was filling up my empty stomach."
What I eat
"Let me give you an example of what I eat during the day. Upon waking up I drink two glasses of warm water with some lemon in it. Then I have some green tea and usually munch on an apple, while I take a few supplements such as a probiotic and multivitamin. I exercise soon after, which is why I don't eat anything big right away; however, I do make sure I eat something. If I get delayed, as I often read in the morning and get carried away, and feel hungry before I exercise, I might have a bit of plain yoghurt (just a small cup) with some honey and half a teaspoon of hemp or flax oil. (I love the taste of yoghurt with hemp oil!) Alternatively I may eat another piece of apple or some other fruit and have a few almonds with it that I soaked the previous night.
Then I exercise, which generally takes me half an hour (if I do my bodyweight killer routine) or up to an hour (if I do my lazy routine that consists of cycling on my home-use bike, dancing, playing with the hula-hoop and some stretches).
After I'm done exercising I have breakfast (well, breakfast number two in a way) which is usually a bowl of porridge with a bit of Stevia or honey in it. I like it simple and plain like this but if I am travelling and staying in a hotel I might order brown bread toast and an egg-white omelette (made of two egg whites) and some steamed veggies. I often travel carrying a few things with me (brown rice, olive oil, almonds, green tea, honey) so if they bring the omelette prepared as I asked them (with as minimum oil as possible), I will also have a few almonds to get the good fat. I soak a few almonds every night and then eat them the next day.
When I next get hungry (which will be about three hours later or less), I have some baked or grilled fish with brown rice and some salad. For my next meal I may either have the same thing (I really enjoy it and I'm a lazy cook--I just throw everything into the steamer) or if I'm travelling maybe I'll have some dal and rice and veggies. The thing is, what I generally do is split the meal into two portions and have the second portion as my next meal. So if I am at home, I will just steam vegetables (zucchini, broccoli, carrot, mushroom, baby corn), make the rice in a rice cooker and steam the fish.
I love my steaming system. It takes no time and it's yummy."
How To Love Your Body by Yaana Gupta is published by Penguin. The paperback is available for Rs 199.
My eating disorder
"See, most people think that I must have always been skinny, and that maintaining my figure must be very easy. When they ask me for my secrets and my tips, I know that they feel, somewhere deep inside, that despite anything I tell them they can never actually get into the shape I am in. Don't we all watch those good-looking people on TV and think, look how skinny that girl is! Or check out that guy's abs. Some people are just lucky to have a figure like that, aren't they?
Well I agree that some of us are born lucky. They have a faster metabolism and don't put on weight as easily as others. But I am not one of them. I love food and can gain weight pretty easily. Yet I have a career in the glamour industry, which means that I have to look good every single day. Let me tell you this is hard work. I have to constantly watch myself and I need to exercise regularly. Otherwise I'd be out of a job. I was aware of this from the very beginning of my career as even Renata used to tell us that we needed to start watching what we ate so we didn't gain any weight. To me it was simple maths: more food=less job.
So I started getting conscious about what I ate and how my body looked and inevitably compared myself with models on TV, from the time Dita got me into it by showing me magazines and introducing the fashion world to me. I would admire their bodies, and wish I could be skinnier even though I definitely didn't need to lose any weight then. I didn't know then that there is a big difference between being skinny and being fit. For me these were the top models of the world and, if I wanted to become one of them, I needed to look exactly as they did.
So instead of being a happy sixteen-year-old who lives a fun teenage life, worrying about boys and what to wear to a Friday night party, I started developing a fear of becoming fat. I began to monitor everything I ate (I conned myself into calling it 'being professional'). I would forbid myself from eating anything that looked sinful (even though for others that may be just a normal meal). For example if I ate a plate of pasta, I felt instantly fat. Or even just things like dumplings, which were part of every other traditional Czech meal, I was afraid to eat as I thought I could gain weight.
Soon I started considering almost all normal food fattening unless it was steamed or cooked in water. So while my friends had a normal meal for lunch after school, I ordered a salad with a low-fat dressing on the side and made sure I ate only half of it. Of course I stared at my friends' plates wishing I could eat their food instead, but whenever such a thought crossed my mind, I would just tell myself: 'Hey! You are the one who is a model here, who gets to travel and earn money while all your friends are penniless! So some sacrifice is okay for being the lucky one here, don't you think? So keep quiet and eat your salad!' By the time my friends were done eating I would still be hungry though. I was used to having my stomach half empty and in a way I liked feeling light as it made me feel skinny but the appetite was a problem. Luckily there was a solution to this problem, a way to kill the taste buds: a cigarette. Or even better, a cigarette and coffee.
Smoking at sixteen was not that abnormal really, many teenagers do it. I started having a cigarette with coffee after meals even though I didn't even like the taste in the beginning, but well, you get used to it. I never really thought it was a cool thing to do. No doubt it was stupid. But for me the cigarette was just something that I was allowed to have as it had no calories. It was something I could have when I couldn't have food. I wouldn't smoke that much, maybe two, three a day but it was like my comfort food. And it did the trick. Whenever I felt like eating something I shouldn't, I just had a smoke and the desire would vanish.
I could do without sweets really but I did crave the traditional Czech foods my friends would eat at the pub. One of my favourites was duck with dumplings and cabbage, a typical dish we ate growing up. But when I started modelling, what do you think happened to my beloved duck? It got blacklisted. As did many other foods. Any kind of fattening meat, bread, white rice, potatoes, all cheese, pizza (of course!), dumplings, fruit that was cooked, sugar (not even one teaspoon in tea), cream (oh keep on dreaming!), normal milk (low fat was allowed as long as it was just in coffee, not a full glass of course), oh yeah and pasta (any kind that is).
I don't think I need to mention that any kind of sweet was out of the question. So much so that I began to fear my own birthday because I knew I would want to eat the cake but I couldn't. The only sweet thing I was allowed was fruit (as long as it was fresh, because preserved fruit has sugar in it) and also a bit of dried fruits and honey at times. Fruit juices were also forbidden as they are too concentrated in sugars and calories.
So what did I actually eat you may ask, right? Well, I ate a lot, don't worry! A lot of vegetables, that is. Big salads with low-fat dressing, some tuna in it here and there (tuna in a can preserved in water and not oil, mind you) and egg whites, the yellow carefully taken out, or steamed vegetables and vegetable soups. I would also have brown rice or a piece of low-fat rice cracker with it or something like that. Anything that said low calorie and fat free on the cover was good so I'd often spend hours in the shop studying all the food labels. One thing is for sure, I would never ever have bread under any circumstances. Bread was the biggest evil of all (and I am obsessed with bread by the way).
The amazing thing is that while most people would totally freak out if they were given such a diet, I actually learned to enjoy eating veggies. And luckily my most favourite food since childhood is the apple. Not even the duck beats it. But of course I hated not being able to eat like normal people. I thought it was unfair and too big a sacrifice. But then again, I told myself that it was I who chose this, and I better accept it and stop complaining.
My friends and boyfriends all rather admired the way I ate--it looked healthy from the outside because it's not that I would not eat at all in front of them. I would just eat veggies and not the yummy-looking, sinful foods they would eat. They admired me for having such a strong will and saying no to temptation, yet, at the same time, none of them wanted to be in my place. And even though I looked skinny, I never looked bulimic skinny, so no one really considered me unhealthy. And at home, they just respected that I did this job and therefore had to eat the way I did, so no one would force me into eating anything particular.
I tried keeping my mind busy just so I didn't think of food. But at night I couldn't escape my longings. In my dreams I would be eating chocolate cakes, pizza with double cheese or my darling duck. Inevitably fear would overwhelm me, a fear that I was growing fat. I can't tell you what a relief it was to wake up.
A few months into modelling, the extreme of non-eating brought on the other extreme as well--overeating. After school, I would head home skipping the school canteen lunch (I thought it was too fattening), planning to cook some veggies with brown rice at home instead. But on the way, passing by a big supermarket, I would go inside and buy myself an apple or a pear. Sometimes a friend would come with me and pick up some junk food such as my favourite Prince biscuits. Of course they would share it with me and I couldn't say no. Now it wouldn't be a big deal if I just had one or two or even three biscuits. But once I started, I couldn't stop, because it felt like a unique opportunity that wouldn't happen again. Just like if you were to give a drink to an alcoholic who's been trying real hard to abstain. I just had to finish the entire packet! I would of course feel unhappy once I had finished the whole pack. Actually no, I began feeling unhappy as I ate it, the guilt and fear growing inside me with every biscuit I ate. It was more of a need and it didn't feel positive. Looking back I think I was just angry. Angry that I couldn't be like others and eat normally, angry that if I did eat I wasn't disciplined enough.
'It's okay,' I told myself upon finishing it. 'Tomorrow I'll start my diet again and eat only fruits the whole day, no other food! It will be like a fast and I'm sure that will help me lose what I have gained. But now since I have already sinned--which meant in my head that the day was already 'spoiled'--let me have something more to enjoy myself.' And then I'd go back to the supermarket and buy a few more things like a candy bar (or two different ones as I couldn't decide which one I wanted more and didn't want to end up feeling disappointed choosing the wrong one as this was a 'unique opportunity'), some pastry or a sandwich, simply anything with bread, and maybe even a piece of pizza. I'd start eating it right away, not even waiting to get home and I'd finish it all at breakneck speed. I'd feel really stuffed afterwards and the feeling of guilt would get worse by the minute. I'd promise myself I would never do this again, and I'd go on a proper diet from tomorrow.
The next day, I'd feel bloated and puffed up, especially on my face and around the belly. To me this was the fat I had gained, but in fact (as I learned later) it was water retention as the body tries to deal with the acidity from eating all that sugar and junk by retaining water to dilute it. And as I promised myself but probably also to punish myself--I did eat only fruits and vegetable salads the next day so I'd lose the extra half kilo. I didn't love myself for sure. And this was just the beginning of this cycle--extreme discipline (and as I was to discover later, unhealthily so), then bingeing. How long can you go on eating vegetables and fruits, tell me? How long can you keep saying no whenever someone offers you a piece of something sweet?
I had no idea then that I had an eating disorder. I didn't even know what an eating disorder was or that it was considered an actual problem. In the beginning, the 'symptoms' were not as extreme either. I'd binge only now and then (perhaps once in two weeks) and otherwise I'd stick to my extreme diet. I was naturally skinny at the time anyway so the fear of gaining weight wasn't as big initially, which meant the pressure wasn't as much. I was also very excited to be a model so the happiness kind of kept me above the water, as it was filling up my empty stomach."
What I eat
"Let me give you an example of what I eat during the day. Upon waking up I drink two glasses of warm water with some lemon in it. Then I have some green tea and usually munch on an apple, while I take a few supplements such as a probiotic and multivitamin. I exercise soon after, which is why I don't eat anything big right away; however, I do make sure I eat something. If I get delayed, as I often read in the morning and get carried away, and feel hungry before I exercise, I might have a bit of plain yoghurt (just a small cup) with some honey and half a teaspoon of hemp or flax oil. (I love the taste of yoghurt with hemp oil!) Alternatively I may eat another piece of apple or some other fruit and have a few almonds with it that I soaked the previous night.
Then I exercise, which generally takes me half an hour (if I do my bodyweight killer routine) or up to an hour (if I do my lazy routine that consists of cycling on my home-use bike, dancing, playing with the hula-hoop and some stretches).
After I'm done exercising I have breakfast (well, breakfast number two in a way) which is usually a bowl of porridge with a bit of Stevia or honey in it. I like it simple and plain like this but if I am travelling and staying in a hotel I might order brown bread toast and an egg-white omelette (made of two egg whites) and some steamed veggies. I often travel carrying a few things with me (brown rice, olive oil, almonds, green tea, honey) so if they bring the omelette prepared as I asked them (with as minimum oil as possible), I will also have a few almonds to get the good fat. I soak a few almonds every night and then eat them the next day.
When I next get hungry (which will be about three hours later or less), I have some baked or grilled fish with brown rice and some salad. For my next meal I may either have the same thing (I really enjoy it and I'm a lazy cook--I just throw everything into the steamer) or if I'm travelling maybe I'll have some dal and rice and veggies. The thing is, what I generally do is split the meal into two portions and have the second portion as my next meal. So if I am at home, I will just steam vegetables (zucchini, broccoli, carrot, mushroom, baby corn), make the rice in a rice cooker and steam the fish.
I love my steaming system. It takes no time and it's yummy."
How To Love Your Body by Yaana Gupta is published by Penguin. The paperback is available for Rs 199.
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